56.com <- Click for a page shot.

The obvious reason is that the ads are all Chinese, the interface is Chinese, and most importantly, the content is Chinese. In this case, the content is a Chinese New Year show with some of the most famous actors in China–Zhao Benshan (赵本山) and Song Dandan (宋丹丹). But the structure of the Web page is simply way too close to Youtube’s for me. The right side of the page are links to related movies, visitors can leave comments below the movie page, and the user is listed in the exact same way they appear on Youtube.

I’m not sure how sites like this get a hold of the programming code or software that runs Youtube–maybe they are that good at imitation. And maybe this happens in countries all over the world. Either way, I have no doubt Youtube/Google would be able to shut these Web sites down in a heartbeat if they were based in the U.S. They’re obviously stealing something.

My first discovery amongst English websites was the following: Dongpo. While the poem displayed here was written in 1128 A.D., the number of characters per line are simliar to Li Hua’s. Another obvious connection is the name of the poet: Dongpo (东坡), who apparently was exiled to Danzhou. Dongpo, of course, was the name of the school that Li Hua satirized in his poem earlier this year, and it would make sense that the school would be named after the poet.

Chinese websites on Danzhou dialect or Mountain Songs are surprisingly scarce, but here is a list of some that are relevant:

An audio file of Danzhou songs (Real Media Format)
A forum with Danzhou dialect.
A site that appears to host informal Danzhou “Mountain Song” contests.
This page includes some modern Danzhou mountain songs regarding internet surfing…

The Danzhou government website was predictably mercantile, with most of the webiste’s effort devoted to attracting capital.

UPDATE: The following website states clearly that nang2 (囊) is the Danzhou equivalent of (能). So now we’re getting somewhere.

The same is true in Chinese; the following is a great example:

邓小平和毛主席散步
小平问：租西，四介桑最筒裤的是洒子四琴喽？
主席：桑阔！
小平：莫比择更筒裤的了？
主席深吸一口烟，凝视远方：田田桑阔！

Simply translated, the joke runs:

Deng Xiaoping and Chairman Mao went for a walk.
Xiaoping asked: Chairman Mao, what is the most painful thing in the world?
Chairman: Going to class!
Xiaoping: Isn’t there anything worse than that?
The Chaiman inhales deeply on his cigeratte, and stares into the distance: Going to class every day!

What’s so funny about this? Well, nothing, if you’re an English speaker from the U.S. But this joke will make most Chinese chuckle. First of all, it is written phonetically, and therefore doesn’t use correct characters as they would normally appear in the dialogue. Phonetic writing is rare in Chinese because in order to write phonetically, one must use characters with meanings other than those the writer desires. In this joke, if the dialogue had been written correctly, you would have seen:

邓小平和毛主席散步
小平问：主席，世界上最痛苦的是啥子事情？
主席：上课！
小平：没比这更痛苦的了？
主席深吸一口烟，凝视远方：天天上课！

The joke is written phonetically because this style emphasizes the very noticable (and different) accents of both Mao Zedong and Deng Xiaoping. Deng, who was born in a rural town in Central China, was especially noted for his heavy Sichuan accent. In the joke, his pronunciation of “Chairman” is Zūxī, a play on the fact that he could not clearly pronounce the standard Mandarin Zhǔxí. Mao’s dialogues use nonstandard tones. The end result makes both Mao and Deng sound like simpletons.

I would imagine most of you that are reading this aren’t laughing, unlesss you already read Chinese and understand the strange accents of rural Mandarin speakers. I guess that’s the point; some humor really does require quite a bit of background and knowledge to be recognizable to the listener.

Here’s another, which was sent around in a spam cell-phone text message in 2005:

一女兵在小肚子上纹了毛主席像，一男兵临死前想看看毛主席。女兵把裤子脱了让他看，他说不对，这么大的胡子他是马克思！

A female soldier has the visage of Mao Zedong tatooed on her belly. One day, a male soldier was nearing death and asked to see Chairman Mao. To meet the dying man’s request, the female soldier took off her pants to let him see. He shook his head, and said: “No way! With a beard that big, that must be Karl Marx!

I’d imagine that this type of humor crosses language barriers a little easier, but even though the humor is crass, the political background of China sets the stage and gives the story it’s relevance and context.

And my favorite–anyone living in China over the last 10 years would appreciate:

抓住萨达姆怎么办?布什说渴死他,普京说饿死他,布莱尔说找几个小姐累死他,江**说讲三个代表烦死他.

What should we do with Saddam once we catch him? Bush says to drown him. Putin says to starve him, and Blair recommends finding several prostitutes to exert him to death. What about Jiang **? Jiang prefers talking about the “Three Represents” until Saddam is annoyed to death.

As most of you know, “Jiang**” refers to Jiang Zemin, and “The Three Represents” is given mostly meaningless lip service at almost every Chinese public event–especially when Jiang was the President. The creation of meaningless slogans and talking heads certainly isn’t limited to China, but the CCP has definitely taken empty propaganda to a whole new level.

将军行房，突闻夫人屁响，兴趣大消，翻身下床，夫人意犹未尽曰：夫君为何下马持枪而立？将军道：后山炮响，必有伏兵，此地不宜久留，改日再战！

你的一笑，狼都上吊。你的一叫，鸡飞狗跳。你的一站，臭气弥漫。你一出汗，虱子灾难。你不打扮，比鬼难看。你一打扮，鬼吓瘫痪。

想你是件快乐的事!见你是件开心的事!爱你是我永远要做的事!把你放在心上是我一直在做的事!不过?骗你，是刚发生的事！哈哈！

Thinking of you is what makes me happy! Seeing you is what makes me joyful! Loving you is what I will do forever! Placing you in my heart is what I always do! But–lying to you, is what I just did!

命运就像强奸，你反抗不了就要学会享受；工作就像轮奸，你不行了别人就上；生活就像自慰，什么都得靠自己的双手；学习就象叫鸡，既要出钱还得出力。

愿好运像乳房一样时常被你抓住，厄运像阴道一样永远夹不住你，财富像阴毛一样时时把你围绕，幸福像干完了事没给钱的小姐一样缠着你不放！祝你快乐！

上帝看见你口渴，创造了水；上帝看见你饿，创造了米；　上帝看见你没有可爱的朋友，创造了我；然而祂也看见这世界上没有白痴，顺便也创造了你。

When God saw you thirsty, he created water; when God saw you hungry, he created rice. When God saw you lacked a cute friend, he made me; when he saw no idiots in this world, he went ahead and created you.

今夜星光灿烂,你在哪里浪漫?没事可别乱转,也别到处放电,我知你已成年,爱慕之心难免,但以你的条件,不能那样随便,你是纯种狼犬,别和苯狗相恋!

谢谢你在我最失意的时候陪伴着我，在我最须要帮助的时候拉了我一把，千言万语诉不尽，只想告诉你：「自从认识你没有一件好事发生！」

对不起唷~~那么晚了还传简讯给你~~如果有吵到你的话~~在此跟你说声~~活该~~谁叫你要比我早睡呀~~~呵呵!

遇到你~是我心动的开始，爱上你~是我幸福的选择。拥有你~是我最珍贵的财富。踏入红毯~是我永恒的动力。永远爱的人~是你。遗憾的是~我传错人了

(more…)

It is not easily translatable, and includes some Danzhou dialect, which is based in Hainan island and not related to any dialects I’m familiar with. Can anyone out there do a better job than I? I would appreciate suggestions!

Background info–Zhao Zhongshe (赵中社) is the Danzhou Communist Secretary; some authors below spuriously refer to themselves as 照中色. 李盛华 is the school superintendant, referred to as 利剩哗 below. According to Chinese newspapers, the song was written by two teachers named Li and Liu.

The song title is: “大家来唱儋州教育歌”, or “Everyone Join in the Danzhou Education Song!”

作者：狗囊甙侬 回复日期：2007-7-22 22:24:00
　（一）
　闲痴坐唱口山歌, A laggard sits to sing a mountain song
　唱歌吸引人来逻. The singing gathers people together to chat.
　讨论儋州的教育, In the debate over Danzhou’s education,
　谁人能创出先河. See who comes out on top.
　(二)
　先讲市良决策多, First say the city is good and policies many
　引进东坡邦处所. Which entices the Dongpo gang.
　培养学生攻北大(罗), Cultivating students to breach Beida [Beijing University],
　再加清华满市箩. And even Qinghua is the whole city’s dream.
　(三)
　(但是)东坡变得好啰嗦, Dongpo became quite annoying,
　领导没有心思逻. And leaders couldn’t take it anymore.
　二中搬出高中部, [Nada] #2 Middle was transfered to the high school department,
　来补东坡个大箩. In order to help realize Dongpo’s large dreams.
　(四)
　讲是联合来办学, It was said they could unite to study,
　章经巧事汉支这. Speaking eloquently they supported this.
　打个比方来显以, To describe this with a metaphor,
　公狗走入狮子箩. The public dog entered into the lion’s cage.
　(五)
　公狗去与狮子逻, When public dogs go mix with lions,
　如果没有笼来阻. If no cage exists to prevent them,
　一旦狮子它饥饿, Once lions become hungry,
　定咬公狗脚跟挪. They’ll bite those public dogs’ legs.
　(六)
　千奇勿骂我啰嗦, Don’t at all scold me for speaking too much
　完整二中被拽角, [Nada] #2’s horn was tugged,
　王牛双角耕田好(罗), An oxen with two horns tithes the field well,
　单角王牛恶眼鹅. A single-horned oxen is like a blind goose.

作者：可哥可妻 回复日期：2007-7-23 16:31:00
　儋州百姓无囊用， The Danzhou public had no say,
　拆了那中卖二中。 To throw out Nada and sell #2 Middle.
　公家财产私人用， When public property is used for private means,
　儋州儿女蹲牛笼。（这样唱起来更爽） Danzhou sons and daughers stoop in pens. (It’s livelier when sung like this)
　　　
作者： 狗囊甙侬 回复 时间: 2007-07-22 17:53:42
　那大路灯真棒体， Nada’s streetlights are straight and strong,
　校园内外哭声低。 The sounds of soft crying in and around the school.
　咱市政府当猪卖， Our city government is selling pigs,
　卖了猪身卖粪泥。 Selling pig meat and pig dung.
　 (这样就比较符合民歌韵味……唱起来！） (This sounds more like a folk song….sing it!)
　　
　那大二中好邦体， Nada #2 is strong,
　真象一头凰凤鸡。 Just like a Phoenix.
　剪去风凰翅一只， If you cut off one wing of the Phoenix,
　它怎拍得起身来。 How can it begin to fly?
　
　那大二中变化快， The changes to Nada #2 were swift,
　白衫干净上乌鸡。 A white cloth covering a blck bird.
　本是三十六大庆， Originally a 36-year anniversary celebration,
　搬迁出去哭声来。 Was swept away while sobs echoed in.
　
　二中将来变化快， The changes to Nada #2 will be swift,
　一年断去一台阶。 Each year a bit worse than the next.
　完中割去它一半，In the end, it will be split in two,
　剩下半圆慢慢lai（lai:儋州话是“缺”的意思） Leaving only half a circle remaining.
　　
　东坡学校不巧怪， Dongpo School is unfortunate,
　更着拽你二中lai（lai:儋州话是“缺”的意思） Pulling you in with [Nada] #2.
　二中不lai怎补得， If there’s no money for Middle #2,
　赵怎吐得出钱来。 How can Zhao cough up the money?
　
　赵讲这果不是歹， Zhao says this result isn’t bad,
　老师叽叫底母胎。 Teachers complain to the bitter end.
　月花要胎塞水口， Money goes to shut up their mouths,
　盛华拔囊去顶喉。 Shenghua stuffs down their throats.
　　
　儋州教育着发展， Danzhou education should develop,
　政绩工程太明分。 And political progress is easy to discern.
　私人老板着照顾， The private [school] principal should take care,
　莫将教育送市人。 Not leave education up to city officials.
　
作者： ca45 回复 时间: 2007-07-23 12:04:11
　儋州教育下降快, Education in Danzhou is deteriorating quickly,
　着帝些人屋母hai. ?? [Danzhou dialect]
　不知管理勿装管, One who can’t manage shouldn’t pretend to,
　快些夹屁走下来. And should tuck his butt and get out of here.
　　
　作者： ca45 回复 时间: 2007-07-23 12:38:04
　赵是这样管下去， Zhao administers like this,
　中看无用害咱市． He looks great but is useless and harms our city.
　社会各界应协助， All aspects of society should come to help,
　滚立儋州本色旗． Raise the flag of Danzhou’s character.
　　
　作者： 照中色 回复 时间: 2007-07-23 13:06:30
　照在二中果下去, If Zhao does Nada #2 this way,
　儋州无有好人才. Danzhou will then have no talent.
　迁校步伐着加快, School demolition will accelerate,
　金钱美女跟着来. And money and beautiful women will follow.
　
　作者： 照中色 回复 时间: 2007-07-23 13:08:56
　东坡老板挟着我, The Dongpo boss pins me,
　硬着搬你二中来. And forces your Nada #2 to come.
　二中不搬不是歹, Not moving Nada #2 isn’t a bad thing,
　我怎吐得出钱来. How can I cough up the money?
　
　作者： 利剩哗 回复 时间: 2007-07-23 14:00:16
　赵讲这果不恶做, Zhao says this result isn’t involuntary,
　奴爹坟不些这路. [Your father’s grave isn’t on this road.]
　儋州人么厚哗口,
　他真敢每你囊么．
　
　作者： 照中色 回复 时间: 2007-07-23 14:05:19
　哈哈哈…… Ha ha ha
　
　作者： 吕次懒参 回复 时间: 2007-07-23 14:24:44
　讲来真热馕皮气，
　怎希大陆人来欺．
　辟馕夹卵炸他死，
　举胎举罗哩他皮．
　
　作者： 利剩哗 回复 时间: 2007-07-23 14:41:24
　大陆人到儋州地,
　不是想将人去欺。
　叹猪想要钱与女,
　当讲举胎哩我皮。
　
　作者： 照中色 回复 时间: 2007-07-23 15:30:40
　儋州女胎真滋气,
　一薯博得五胎骑．
　我咱来到儋州处，
　不举胎来怎博薯．
　
　作者： 吕次懒参 回复 时间: 2007-07-23 16:00:21
　快走未加你就死,
　莫见儋州人好欺。
　利见儋州人气有，
　将来要奴母来骑。
　
　咱们着讲情与理，
（你这）领导利是知涅书．
　冷静讲声冷静话，
　怎要二中来哩皮。

　　作者： 照中色 回复 时间: 2007-07-23 23:08:48
　藤时想讲情与理，
　老板热皮医我a瑞。
　不是你们替顶死，
　书记时间就到~期。
　
　作者： 照中色 回复 时间: 2007-07-23 23:17:04
　来到儋州穷死处，
　前人卖地卖年市。
　企业没有怎收税，
　汉剩二中这片薯。
　
　作者： 吕次懒参 回复 时间: 2007-07-23 23:29:04
　（回照中色：）
　二中不是番薯地，
　在你头猪放ka(鼻)擂（擂：儋州话拱的意思）。
　挖地装弹来等你~（罗），
　等你来擂这片薯。
　　作者：wzy702 回复日期：2007-7-24 19:15:00

久间不归儋州地,
　事情发到光背擂.
　好田好地多人抢,
　当着薯皮慢慢离.

　作者： 利剩哗 回复 时间: 2007-07-24 00:10:29
　儋州无有凯囊的，
　走狗汉奸堆满市。
　真想擂这山薯地，
　挖薯去博女胎骑。
　
　回：利剩哗
　（你这）流氓来到诗乡处，
　 先给礼议伴诗书。
　 儋州不是无囊的，
　 奴母不值要囊雷。
　
　作者： 吕次懒参 回复 时间: 2007-07-24 01:30:45
　 神讲儋州无囊的，
　　奴母不值万囊擂。
　　你咱敢讲学这话，
　　带奴母来老市委。
　　
　　作者： 囊不受得 回复 时间: 2007-07-24 01:42:33
　 贪官哩晓章些咱处，
　 咱们怎受得人欺。
　 团结大家些一处，
　 举出儋州的大旗。

But the claims of this company are much different, and loftier, than those of the Japanese toilet companies–Lotus909 apparently claims that this toilet can practically wash out your colon “with the perfect amount of water pressure.” Kind of like an enema. Even if you don’t understand Chinese, the animations will clarify everything for you…

This picture really is worth a thousand words. Tibet is beautiful, and yet you always have this feeling…

And then we stopped to let the migrant workers on. These guys were nice, but they smelled like they had been working for months. And the driver made them take their shoes off, to boot.

For the last few weeks, I have been reviewing a new service called echineselearning.com. This site offers Chinese lessons in a monthly subscription format–for $100.00, you can participate in daily hour-long classes. Lessons are given one-on-one with a native Chinese teacher via Skype. For those Chinese students that aren’t in China, it’s a great way to learn or maintain Chinese.

The website is well run, with an extremely helpful and courteous staff that will aid you in navigating the site and, if you wish, arranging a trial lesson. The trial lesson is conducted by Ms. Zou Hongqiong, a very capable teacher with obvious experience teaching Chinese as a second language.

Materials are generally e-mailed to you before the lesson, and it is your responsibility to prepare. Ms. Hong ran through some drills, testing my comprehension of the material and probing whether I could flexibly use vocabulary and grammar that was part of the lesson. She was extremely adept at getting me to test my limits, strict with correcting errors, and overall was excellent.

Since then, my experience with echineselearning.com has been mixed. I’ve rotated through several teachers (of my own volition–I wanted to see what kind of teachers they had), and none of them come very close to the level of ability that Ms. Hong demonstrated. The types of materials seem limited, although in fairness I never completely clarified my study goals. On the plus sides, all the teachers are lively and make great efforts to please their students. For beginning and intermediate students of the language, there probably isn’t a better way to learn–besides going to China.

Feng Xiaogang Has Also Bought Pirated DVDs

Next to the Northwest Third Ring Road in Beijing, near the gate leading into the Beijing Foreign Language University, a middle-aged man selling pirated DVDs holds up an empty DVD cover. In a low voice, he explains to the customer, “American and Japan both sued China!” In order to minimize losses if he is searched, he first allows the customer make his selection from empty DVD cases, and after he confirms their choice, another person will retrieve the DVD from a nearby location. Amongst his customers, many are foreign exchange students, so that probably includes Americans and Japanese.

Scenarios just like this exist in places all over China. With the speed of the internet age, news quickly reached the ears of street vendors that the United States is suing China in the WTO over pirated materials and import restrictions on cultural products. (Japan is preparing to assist the United States in this suit). Several days ago, the spokesman for China’s National Copyright Agency, Wang Ziqiang, said that the United States’ criticisms that China import market restrictions on movies, books, and musical products stimulates the market for pirated goods is not substantiated.

That market restrictions can stimulate pirated goods is strange argument. It may be that market restrictions lead to pirated goods, but that is definitely not the main cause of the problem, and relaxing market restrictions will definitely not solve the problem of pirated goods.

If it’s not import restrictions that leads to pirated materials, then what does? And what must we do to to stop the problem?

On the surface, two important factors for the spread of pirated goods are “inexpensive prices and a quality product.” Much has been written about the cheap prices of pirated goods, but the “quality product” aspect is often overlooked. Pirated goods often arrive on the market quicker than legitimite versions, and there are often more versions, fewer restrictions, and newer content to meet the market’s needs.

The spread of pirated goods is world-wide. Take Microsoft as an example, who has even claimed that if someone were to use pirated software, they should use Microsoft products first! This is a desparate measure, and is also a clever way to claim market share in the massive pirated software market. People use pirated Microsoft software because they are inexpensive and the product quality is high.

It is especially interesting that the users of pirated goods are not only average people–celebrities also buy them! Ironically, the film director Feng Xiaogang acknowledged that he had bought pirated DVDs, and that many of them were very good. At the same time, Feng told reporters that he planned on shooting a short adverstisement to campaign against pirated goods.

Closer investigation reveals that the root of this problem does no lie in China’s lack of a free market for cultural products. In the environment with a weak rule of law and strong administrative control, the backbone of our cultural industry has become soft. Our cultural products are still too palid, and the boundless energy and creativity of the Chinesepeople has yet to be utilized. This is a malady that we still need to address and remedy.

When we lack the ability to produce superior, legitimite products that satisfy our various demands, but we still need to limit the import of foreign cultural products in order to protect our ethnic culture and domestic industries (which is the correct policy), then theoretically, the production and sales of pirated goods are unavoidabe. But restrictions and protections can not be a permanent policy, so we really do need to seriously consider: Why have pirated gods become the sole choice in China? How can the cultural industries of China begin developing? How far are we from the dream of becoming a superpower with cultural influence, who exports culture rather than importing it? ….